?

First and foremost….I am a TERRIBLE blogger….more than a month since my last post and there has been so much that has happened…I will admit…guilty party #1…so now that that is out of the way…

So much has changed in the last two months…63 days to be exact…from a point when I wasn’t so sure about my heart to a point where I was sure and then tonight, where I am feeling a little lost and not sure of how to find my way home….

I know I’ve met someone incredible.  I want to say he is it because as of this moment he is everything that I want him to be.  He makes me laugh, makes me feel like it is okay to be me and has sparked something in my that I was afraid I wasn’t capable of any longer.  That said….tonight I’m confused….a combination of missing him terribly and yet wanting to pull away quickly before any hurt can be done.  I feel vulnerable and a tad heartbroken and yet I have no idea why…there are plenty of words between us, plenty of things said…but tonight I feel that something is missing…that there is something left unsaid…lost…I’m just at a loss for words.

One year later...day one

It's almost a year ago the last time I was here on this trip. Half way around the world and completely alone. I was at my own personal emotional rock bottom. Couldn't get on a plane without dissolving into tears....without thinking of him. Going down a path that could have been impossible to return from.

So here I sit, one year later...and how much has difference just one year can make.  I felt the grief and learned how to let it go.  My heart is no longer broken.  I've learned so much.  Built so much.  Accepted it all.  I'm no longer angry.  I can recognize the life that I had is gone but the life that I am now living is here...all that sadness was only a seed for everything else to come.  I don't need a reason anymore...I don't need to cry over it anymore...as Dr. Seuss so wisely advisd "Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."

One year later and I'm still here.

An ordinary night...

Amazing that such an ordinary night can remind you of how absolutely wonderful life is...the most amazingly delicious dinner at Animal tonight with Alex and London...nothing crazy, nothing that makes it any different than last night or the night before...just wonderful food, the best of company, a lot of laughing and the reminder that life is perfect just as it is.

That extraordinary life full of laughing and loving...that life I spent so many nights wishing for...it's here and it's mine.  How incredibly grateful I am for the people that make it so.  xxo

Oh my god...

I think I love you.

Just another day...right?

33…the first time in 33 years that I have ever been alone on my birthday…and it shouldn’t matter should it?  It shouldn’t hurt, right?  It’s just another day isn’t it?  The same as yesterday, the same as tomorrow…but for some sad reason it doesn’t feel the same.

It started out so lovely…sunshine, sweet notes from my smitten…so why come home, eat mac ‘n cheese in the dark and cry?  I have no idea other than to think that I am a complete headcase.  This has been the happiest year of my life, I know that to be certain…but today feels lonely.  Today feels a little empty and so I couldn’t help but to just break down…and now that I’ve started crying, I can’t seem to find the will to stop.

All those years with the husband…but at least I wasn’t alone…there’s just that tiny part of my heart that wants to feel important to someone…to come home and find a glass of wine and a piece of birthday cake and someone to tell me they love me.

I know you’re out there and I want to believe that it won’t be long before we find our way to one another…but tonight…tonight I really miss you…tonight I wish you were here to make me laugh, to hold onto as I fall asleep.  Tonight waiting for you feels unbearable because it wasn’t just another day.

What's about to come....

I'm more smitten then ever...you know it's trouble when you get messages like this...

"Did I mention how smitten with you I am recently?  Like really really smitten? Hey and I'm not sure if I mentioned it but you do know I think you're very beautiful, don't you?  And soooo many stories - I just want to hear everything about you - good / bad / funny / sad etc....And damn that would be perfect, I have an overwhelming desire to sit and listen / watch you talk for hours, rain falling outside, wine, music finding all the stuff we have in common, places we've been, stuff that's totally different and hearing all about it..." 

As I sit here smiling to myself I also realize that I am so incredibly scared.  I already feel that slight bit of pain at imagining that he'll just stop speaking to me tomorrow...that I'll be left with this tiny tear in my heart that will only keep growing.  I want to fall in love, I do...but until today I didn't realize how afraid I am of really really letting someone in...because what if once they're in, they want out?

I began to admit my fear to Alex yesterday and in her usual wise way said "You can't go through life holding people at arms length, sometimes you just have to be able to let go and see what happens."

So here's to letting go of fear and allowing my heart to feel whatever is about to come.

Smitten...

To be affected by something overwhelming…yeah…this would be me…