Day 6

Last night before heading home.  I came here not really knowing what I would find...a part of me thinking this would just be another trip, another stamp in my laready too thick passport.  But as I sit here feeling the sun set against my back, I realize that I have found myself.

I found the courage I never thought I had.  That genuine smile that I thought I had lost...or at least had compromised so that someone else always had theirs.  I've found that I don't want to meet someone halfway anymore.  I found that I can fall asleep at night not thinking of anything , just pure quiet, if I let my mind rest and stop thinking so much.  I found that I'm not hollow, lost or broken. I thought for awhile that nothing could help, that I would always feel this slight emptiness...that I could go through life talking about the things I want but never having to live up to those conversations, today I want to live up to what I say I want.

I've made mistakes but they're my own and they're what make me, "me".  I don't need to apologize or say "I'm sorry" anymore.  I never gave up or gave in...I simply took myself back.  I don't need to say what I think people want to hear, just what I want to say.  I can forgive and even love my imperfections...and I don't need to wait for someone to love me because as Matt Dennen sings, "you will be the one who loves you the most."

Thank you for always being there...for waiting for me to figure out what you already knew.  xoxo.

Day Five: Part 2

T’was Christmas day with honeymooners hand in hand on the beach,

And thankfully for me, my vodka within reach.

An early start to such a beautiful day,

At least that’s what my friend the bartender does say.

The sky is bright and the water so blue,

The fact that I’m happy has never been so true.

And as I lay in the sun and reflect on the past,

I think about the characters in my life that have been cast.

A few which have brought tears and broken my heart,

But also lead me to realize that I need a fresh start.

A few which always know how to make me smile,

Those special few on speed dial.

The ones I can say know me the most, better than the rest,

The ones who have been there to see me through life’s test.

You’re the first thing I think of when I wake,

The kind of love that a person can’t shake.

No regrets or things I would change,

Because I love this life unordinary and strange.

You can’t always dictate what you want to feel,

Sometimes it just happens even when you don’t want it to be real.

So here’s to starting 2011 with a smile and cheek quiver,

And cheers to my partner in crime…my liver.

Yes…there may have been a little booze throughout the day and I clearly have far too much time on my hands right now…but I love it.

Love and thinking of you all.

xo

My first Christmas dinner alone and it was amazing...mussels, parrot fish stuffed with crab, topped off with a papaya tart...and an excellent bordeaux.  Is it right to be this happy?

Day Five: Part 1

The start of my day.  Up at 6.30 for a run...


 Past the pineapple and coconut plantations










Around the lagoon.....



Past the bend...





arriving at the local grocery store...how can I not love the simplicity of it all?  I want to sell everything and move here.  Any takers?

Day Four: Part 2

Deep breaths before dinner as I laid on my dock and looked at the clouds….”I can do this”…Get dressed and get to it (although after four days here I realize how much I do not like wearing clothes anymore…friends beware that you should knock or announce yourself before opening the door to my house from now on).

I survived it…all five courses and the “show”.  A little cliché but I’m stronger than I thought I was.  No crying…I smiled all through dinner (okay, that might have been the wine on top of the champagne) and the entire walk back to my hut…and as I sit here on my dock I know that something is different….I kept thinking and saying that I was happy…the difference today is that I absolutely know that I am.

Xxo.h.

Day Four: Part 1

6 AM wakeup and the first thing I think is that “this is the first Christmas Eve in 32 years I have woken up alone.” 

And then I roll over and smile because this is what I see….

…and I think back to Christmas Eve last year, waking up in Seattle not knowing how I would get through the day without crying.  Walking into the house and straight into the bathroom because I didn’t want anyone to see the tears that were welling…walking out and watching him act as if everything were normal, wishing I could feel so detached.  But now I know that I wasn’t crying because we were coming to an end, I was crying because I was saying goodbye to these big family gatherings…it wasn’t about him – it was about family.  And if I’m honest, I have to admit that it hadn’t been about him for a long time.  I was content for so long…which is so very different than happy.  There were moments of happy but to steal a line from Ben Harper, he didn’t but the “happy” in my “ness”.  Yes, I loved him and am grateful for everything we shared but it wasn’t enough for either of us. 

It’s only taken me 32 years to get here…but I finally think I am getting to know myself.  There are things I need to work on yes, but at least I know what they are now…and I work on them because I want to, not because I want to change for someone else.

So after laying in bed for 30 minutes thinking through this, I get up and go to the gym for an hour, followed by breakfast…I watch as the hostess pours two glasses of orange juice and two cups of coffee and shrug my shoulders.  I eat, read and enjoy the scenery.  Back to the room by 9 and feel the need to run outside…and so I do…and I find myself smiling the entire time as I jog down the road. It’s beautiful and again I think to myself that I’m proud of this adventure because I’m learning so much…or maybe admitting and accepting so much that I have already known. 

Back in the room and I call to make my dinner reservation for tonight, “yes, party of one”.  Then for a bit of sunshine on the deck…and a bit later, my friend, the bartender, canoes up with an afternoon snack...he's worried that I have not had lunch since since the first day I arrived…I love this place.  And I am very much enjoying my quiet time.

Day Three: Part 3

Yes familia...I promise to post pictures of myself tomorrow.

Day Three: Part 2

Sigh...I think I'm falling in love with this place...but then I wonder if it's this place or if it's the idea of being anywhere but home.  Anywhere but reality.

I'm kind of out of words today...I spent so much time spinning them in my mind that I don't have any to share...I just know that I need time...but don't worry, I'm okay.  I'm happy...I'm just sorting it all out.  

Day Three: Part 1

The only bad thing about being here alone is that I might have missed a small section in the middle of my back when applying sunscreen yesterday...

Day Two...

I ran this morning and again tonight before dinner...both times I thought to myself, "for the first time in my life I am actually proud of myself."  Proud that I managed to get on plane, without crying, settle into my destination, sit in a restaurant and have breakfast alone, and know that I am okay just the way that I am.  I thought for so long that my happiness was contingent on how another person felt about me...I could not have been more wrong. 

On a lighter note, thoughts for the day.

1. Last night I was brought a complimentary bottle of wine with two glasses.  I sent one glass back but proceeded to drink the entire bottle by myself...yes, it may sound like a problem but really people, I'm on vacation.  And before you worry about my drowning accidentally, I did lock the back door to be sure I would not try to go for a swim.
2. I want to learn to speak French...everyone is more attractive when they speak it.
3. I am on my way to being the resident photographer of families and couples given that I am the only single person here...it feels a little bit like god is punishing me but I did get a few free drinks at dinner out of it.
4. The pink swimsuit looks cute with a tan.
5. I miss you all but am glad I'm here...as Natalie said, some journeys are meant to be taken alone.
6. PING
7. I worked up the courage to go skinny dipping after dinner but looked through the glass on my floor and spied sharks...yes, they are small and harmless but the courage is gone.
8. I love this place...it kind of makes me wish I loved you all a little less so that I wouldn't want to come home.
9. Tan lines...pfhhhh...that's what private balconies are for.

Day One of Me

I've landed.  I'm here.  I'm alone....but lonely isn't always sad.  To be honest I haven't stopped smiling since I landed.  Once at the hotel, I dropped my bags and walked straight into the water.  The water which there aren't enough words to describe the blue of.  How clear and transparent it is.  How beautiful and untouched the emptiness of it is.  And as I stood there in the ocean all I could hope for is that one day I will look in the mirror and feel the same way about myself.

One year ago today he and I were checking into The W in Seattle.  We unpacked our things, on our separate beds, and agreed to bear through the holiday with the occassional hand holding and smiling.  And one year later here I am, checked into a hotel on my own, scratching out the "Welcome Mr. and Mrs. Miller" and laying in the sun realizing that I have never been happier...yes, there are things that I want but cannot have or am not ready for...but it's okay because this trip is about figuring those things out. 

Someone I know often reminds me to "enjoy the journey", today I most definitely am.

For right now...

Four days from leaving and as each day passes I can’t help but feel that overwhelming sense of fearful happiness.  I know that being alone isn’t always lonely and I know that I’m looking forward to this time away…but I can’t help but feel that when I return things will be incredibly different…that after spending this time alone I won’t be able to help but be different.

I spent the last two weeks crying for no reason.  It started with the Christmas tree…bringing it home and decorating on my own.  Such a happy moment but at the same time I couldn’t help but think of him.  And not in the sense of how much I miss him and spending the holidays with him but in the sense that I miss being with someone.  What I miss is the sound of someone breathing lightly next to me.  I miss feeling the warmth on my back as I fall asleep at night…it has nothing to do with him.  And even harder was the realization that as I hung the ornaments on my own, I wasn’t nearly as lonely as when I would decorate the tree while he was in the room in years past.  All the times I was lost for the courage to tell him that he didn’t know me…and that I really didn’t want him to. 

As I write this, there is a couple sitting next to me on the plane, somewhere in their 80s…and I can see how plainly they love one another.  And this is all I can hope for…that one day I will meet the right person, at the right time, and be lucky enough to grow old with someone who I want to know me.  But for now trying to know myself is enough…I’m having to face that I can’t find it within me to commit to anyone….the idea of not having to worry about saying I love you or having someone say it to me…it leaves me feeling relieved…it’s selfish, I know.  I just want to be able to be there when I’m needed and to know that there is someone there on occasion…it’s all that my heart can bear.  It’s all that I am capable of giving.

I’ve never been this girl, this isn’t who I want to be…but for right now…

Counting down

15 days until departure...my first Christmas alone.  And while I'm excited and can't wait to sit in the sunshine overlooking the ocean I find myself a little afraid at thought of being alone...

To my "lobster"

I just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking of you lately.
Wondering where you are and what you are doing.
Who you are with and what your life is like.
I wake up and think of you.
I try to see your face before I fall asleep at night.
I ask for your patience while I find my way to you.
That as much as I want to know you and be with you, I’m not ready to find you yet because I am still trying to find myself…
But you are in my thoughts and I can’t wait for the days that run into nights where you’ll tell me your favorite song, hopefully something by The Cure – and I’ll reply with “Pictures of You”.  The nights where we’ll lay in our backyard and drink wine while looking at the stars, where we’ll have Alex and Natalie for dinner and at the end of the night you will tell me how much you love them.  The days where we’ll pack a picnic for the beach and watch as our kids run up to the ocean and squeal from the cold of the water before turning to run back to us while laughing.  I can’t wait for the lazy afternoons where we’ll dance in the living room to the radio, where I’ll lay in the crook of your arm and know that my head fits there perfectly.  I want to walk through the door and hug you hello for five minutes while our bodies are just pressed together and my hands run through your hair.  Where you’ll pull me closer and nuzzle yourself into my neck.  I want to know everything about you…the look you’ll give me when you are frustrated or exasperated, the sound of your laugh, the smile that will belong to only me.
Please wait for me.  Don’t stop looking for me…I promise I won’t stop looking for you.
Love, me

Falling in love again...

It started out like the perfect first date.  Champagne, movie…a little laughter, a litter of the nerves in the right way…the anxiety of something new and leaving behind the cares of the past week.  I dozed off and could feel a blanket being pulled over my shoulders and the light being turned out…a few hours later being woken to the soft brushing of my arm and my name being whispered.  I arose from the dream state, slowly opening my eyes and taking in my surroundings…roses on the table side, the smell of breakfast…a whispering voice letting me know poached eggs (my favorite) are waiting for me when I am ready.  I rise and begin to sit up, stretching my arms after a sleep that was so well needed.  No pressure to smile or feel like I shouldn’t be there any longer…breakfast brought to me and fresh orange juice poured.  The most romantic morning I have ever had.

Oh Lufthansa First Class how I love you.  I’m completely smitten.

A final goodbye

I’ve sat here for an hour staring at a blank screen wondering how I’ve gotten to this point…wondering when I will wake up with only the memory of the heartache rather than the heartache itself.  I want to remember that it hurt but not know why…

My fingers keep brushing the keys but the words just aren’t coming…I don’t know what is wrong with me.  This is what I want.  This is what I need to move on.  This is what he needs to move on.  And yet it’s so hard to do.

He sent me the papers on Thursday…and not until last night could I bring myself to open them…to read that the “status of the marriage is irretrievably broken…”.  I laid on my wood floor with my back against the door and cried…it was more than crying though…it was that deep sadness of knowing that my life was irrevocably changed…that this isn’t just a phase and that one day we will make our way back to each other…that whatever love we had shared for each other no longer exists…that at some point in the future I will realize it has been months since I have heard his voice or read an email.

I think the hardest part is knowing that no one will ever love him as much as I once did…and yet I still don’t know why it wasn’t enough.  Why wasn’t I enough?

My method of dealing as of late is to focus on the external pain I feel…trying so hard to feel something on the outside so that I don’t have to feel it on the inside.  Thinking that maybe if my skin is bruised and punished enough that maybe I won’t feel the ache in my heart….but the bruises are fading too quickly and all I am left with is the pain of knowing that we failed one another.  I went to Runyon Canyon on Saturday and hiked on my own…I didn’t want to stop, through the tears and sniffling nose, the burning legs, I tried to forget everything…and failed.

And so I’ve accepted that it’s done…I came home from work tonight, printed the papers and signed the dotted line…there were more tears, a lot of them…he’s no longer here to catch me when I fall…I’ve never felt so lonely…
In a few short months I will no longer be Mrs. M…I’ll be Sam.  Just Sam.  I hope I know who she is.

The beginning of the search for Sam...

The empty space that remains in your absence and the love that I once felt for you… I am changed by my grief, maybe not stronger today or bettered in your absence but I am different…and I will learn to live within and love that difference as much as I once loved you.

I’ve packed all my belongings left the place that had been our home.  It was the day that I opened my eyes to the reality that was, the reality that I had denied for so long.  The last day of my life I remembered with you.
I’m not at the point yet to say it is better without you, just different.  I miss you at times when I shouldn’t, but it’s okay.  I thought I would only cry for you at night when I’m alone but the sadness is everywhere, I sit on the floor of the shower because I can’t breathe, I let the tears stream down my face in the car, I admit that life without you is harder than I thought it would be.  I think I catch your smell and my heart skips a beat.  I think of you the moment I wake and for the moment before I drift into my restless sleep, whether you deserve it or not.  I long for my bed not to be empty and also for the day that I will realize I have not thought of you in months…but until then I will accept the memories and learn to love of them what I can.  I know you are the one who hurt me but it does not make it any easier.

I know that no matter what happens or where I go, a piece of you will always live here with me…you have left a fingerprint on my heart and that cannot be ignored, I learned so much about myself by loving you so I am thankful to you for that lesson.  Also, there is something to be said about the history between two people and how it grows into something beautiful over time, no matter how ugly it might have become.

I had to leave because I was tired of being sad in your presence, of always asking myself “Why doesn’t he love me as much as I love him?” Of knowing that when I needed you most you would inevitably fail to be there, it’s just who you are…and I finally realized that I couldn’t accept it.  I couldn’t live the rest of my life knowing that I was always going to be more invested than you were.  Yes, there are times where one person will always love the other a little more but with you, I knew I would always be giving, always loving you more than what you were capable of returning.  I know it is hard to understand, that you say you loved me and that in many ways I failed you.  But it isn’t, I hope that one day you will love someone else the way I loved you, I think then you will finally recognize what I was trying to give you.

I know that the road ahead will be lonely at times and harder than I imagined but I have faith that my heart will heal itself the way you never could.  I will come out of this stronger and more self aware, I will learn that not all promises are meant to be broken.  I will realize that sometimes you miss who a person really is when you want to believe they are someone else.

Always,
Your wife