Day Four: Part 1

6 AM wakeup and the first thing I think is that “this is the first Christmas Eve in 32 years I have woken up alone.” 

And then I roll over and smile because this is what I see….

…and I think back to Christmas Eve last year, waking up in Seattle not knowing how I would get through the day without crying.  Walking into the house and straight into the bathroom because I didn’t want anyone to see the tears that were welling…walking out and watching him act as if everything were normal, wishing I could feel so detached.  But now I know that I wasn’t crying because we were coming to an end, I was crying because I was saying goodbye to these big family gatherings…it wasn’t about him – it was about family.  And if I’m honest, I have to admit that it hadn’t been about him for a long time.  I was content for so long…which is so very different than happy.  There were moments of happy but to steal a line from Ben Harper, he didn’t but the “happy” in my “ness”.  Yes, I loved him and am grateful for everything we shared but it wasn’t enough for either of us. 

It’s only taken me 32 years to get here…but I finally think I am getting to know myself.  There are things I need to work on yes, but at least I know what they are now…and I work on them because I want to, not because I want to change for someone else.

So after laying in bed for 30 minutes thinking through this, I get up and go to the gym for an hour, followed by breakfast…I watch as the hostess pours two glasses of orange juice and two cups of coffee and shrug my shoulders.  I eat, read and enjoy the scenery.  Back to the room by 9 and feel the need to run outside…and so I do…and I find myself smiling the entire time as I jog down the road. It’s beautiful and again I think to myself that I’m proud of this adventure because I’m learning so much…or maybe admitting and accepting so much that I have already known. 

Back in the room and I call to make my dinner reservation for tonight, “yes, party of one”.  Then for a bit of sunshine on the deck…and a bit later, my friend, the bartender, canoes up with an afternoon snack...he's worried that I have not had lunch since since the first day I arrived…I love this place.  And I am very much enjoying my quiet time.