My fingers keep brushing the keys but the words just aren’t coming…I don’t know what is wrong with me. This is what I want. This is what I need to move on. This is what he needs to move on. And yet it’s so hard to do.
He sent me the papers on Thursday…and not until last night could I bring myself to open them…to read that the “status of the marriage is irretrievably broken…”. I laid on my wood floor with my back against the door and cried…it was more than crying though…it was that deep sadness of knowing that my life was irrevocably changed…that this isn’t just a phase and that one day we will make our way back to each other…that whatever love we had shared for each other no longer exists…that at some point in the future I will realize it has been months since I have heard his voice or read an email.
I think the hardest part is knowing that no one will ever love him as much as I once did…and yet I still don’t know why it wasn’t enough. Why wasn’t I enough?
My method of dealing as of late is to focus on the external pain I feel…trying so hard to feel something on the outside so that I don’t have to feel it on the inside. Thinking that maybe if my skin is bruised and punished enough that maybe I won’t feel the ache in my heart….but the bruises are fading too quickly and all I am left with is the pain of knowing that we failed one another. I went to Runyon Canyon on Saturday and hiked on my own…I didn’t want to stop, through the tears and sniffling nose, the burning legs, I tried to forget everything…and failed.
And so I’ve accepted that it’s done…I came home from work tonight, printed the papers and signed the dotted line…there were more tears, a lot of them…he’s no longer here to catch me when I fall…I’ve never felt so lonely…
In a few short months I will no longer be Mrs. M…I’ll be Sam. Just Sam. I hope I know who she is.
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