Four days from leaving and as each day passes I can’t help but feel that overwhelming sense of fearful happiness. I know that being alone isn’t always lonely and I know that I’m looking forward to this time away…but I can’t help but feel that when I return things will be incredibly different…that after spending this time alone I won’t be able to help but be different.
I spent the last two weeks crying for no reason. It started with the Christmas tree…bringing it home and decorating on my own. Such a happy moment but at the same time I couldn’t help but think of him. And not in the sense of how much I miss him and spending the holidays with him but in the sense that I miss being with someone. What I miss is the sound of someone breathing lightly next to me. I miss feeling the warmth on my back as I fall asleep at night…it has nothing to do with him. And even harder was the realization that as I hung the ornaments on my own, I wasn’t nearly as lonely as when I would decorate the tree while he was in the room in years past. All the times I was lost for the courage to tell him that he didn’t know me…and that I really didn’t want him to.
As I write this, there is a couple sitting next to me on the plane, somewhere in their 80s…and I can see how plainly they love one another. And this is all I can hope for…that one day I will meet the right person, at the right time, and be lucky enough to grow old with someone who I want to know me. But for now trying to know myself is enough…I’m having to face that I can’t find it within me to commit to anyone….the idea of not having to worry about saying I love you or having someone say it to me…it leaves me feeling relieved…it’s selfish, I know. I just want to be able to be there when I’m needed and to know that there is someone there on occasion…it’s all that my heart can bear. It’s all that I am capable of giving.
I’ve never been this girl, this isn’t who I want to be…but for right now…
No comments:
Post a Comment