?

First and foremost….I am a TERRIBLE blogger….more than a month since my last post and there has been so much that has happened…I will admit…guilty party #1…so now that that is out of the way…

So much has changed in the last two months…63 days to be exact…from a point when I wasn’t so sure about my heart to a point where I was sure and then tonight, where I am feeling a little lost and not sure of how to find my way home….

I know I’ve met someone incredible.  I want to say he is it because as of this moment he is everything that I want him to be.  He makes me laugh, makes me feel like it is okay to be me and has sparked something in my that I was afraid I wasn’t capable of any longer.  That said….tonight I’m confused….a combination of missing him terribly and yet wanting to pull away quickly before any hurt can be done.  I feel vulnerable and a tad heartbroken and yet I have no idea why…there are plenty of words between us, plenty of things said…but tonight I feel that something is missing…that there is something left unsaid…lost…I’m just at a loss for words.

One year later...day one

It's almost a year ago the last time I was here on this trip. Half way around the world and completely alone. I was at my own personal emotional rock bottom. Couldn't get on a plane without dissolving into tears....without thinking of him. Going down a path that could have been impossible to return from.

So here I sit, one year later...and how much has difference just one year can make.  I felt the grief and learned how to let it go.  My heart is no longer broken.  I've learned so much.  Built so much.  Accepted it all.  I'm no longer angry.  I can recognize the life that I had is gone but the life that I am now living is here...all that sadness was only a seed for everything else to come.  I don't need a reason anymore...I don't need to cry over it anymore...as Dr. Seuss so wisely advisd "Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."

One year later and I'm still here.

An ordinary night...

Amazing that such an ordinary night can remind you of how absolutely wonderful life is...the most amazingly delicious dinner at Animal tonight with Alex and London...nothing crazy, nothing that makes it any different than last night or the night before...just wonderful food, the best of company, a lot of laughing and the reminder that life is perfect just as it is.

That extraordinary life full of laughing and loving...that life I spent so many nights wishing for...it's here and it's mine.  How incredibly grateful I am for the people that make it so.  xxo

Oh my god...

I think I love you.

Just another day...right?

33…the first time in 33 years that I have ever been alone on my birthday…and it shouldn’t matter should it?  It shouldn’t hurt, right?  It’s just another day isn’t it?  The same as yesterday, the same as tomorrow…but for some sad reason it doesn’t feel the same.

It started out so lovely…sunshine, sweet notes from my smitten…so why come home, eat mac ‘n cheese in the dark and cry?  I have no idea other than to think that I am a complete headcase.  This has been the happiest year of my life, I know that to be certain…but today feels lonely.  Today feels a little empty and so I couldn’t help but to just break down…and now that I’ve started crying, I can’t seem to find the will to stop.

All those years with the husband…but at least I wasn’t alone…there’s just that tiny part of my heart that wants to feel important to someone…to come home and find a glass of wine and a piece of birthday cake and someone to tell me they love me.

I know you’re out there and I want to believe that it won’t be long before we find our way to one another…but tonight…tonight I really miss you…tonight I wish you were here to make me laugh, to hold onto as I fall asleep.  Tonight waiting for you feels unbearable because it wasn’t just another day.

What's about to come....

I'm more smitten then ever...you know it's trouble when you get messages like this...

"Did I mention how smitten with you I am recently?  Like really really smitten? Hey and I'm not sure if I mentioned it but you do know I think you're very beautiful, don't you?  And soooo many stories - I just want to hear everything about you - good / bad / funny / sad etc....And damn that would be perfect, I have an overwhelming desire to sit and listen / watch you talk for hours, rain falling outside, wine, music finding all the stuff we have in common, places we've been, stuff that's totally different and hearing all about it..." 

As I sit here smiling to myself I also realize that I am so incredibly scared.  I already feel that slight bit of pain at imagining that he'll just stop speaking to me tomorrow...that I'll be left with this tiny tear in my heart that will only keep growing.  I want to fall in love, I do...but until today I didn't realize how afraid I am of really really letting someone in...because what if once they're in, they want out?

I began to admit my fear to Alex yesterday and in her usual wise way said "You can't go through life holding people at arms length, sometimes you just have to be able to let go and see what happens."

So here's to letting go of fear and allowing my heart to feel whatever is about to come.

Smitten...

To be affected by something overwhelming…yeah…this would be me…

Dear Valentine's Day

I've told myself for as long as I can remember that your day isn't important to me...when I think the truth is that I've never really been important to someone on this day (anything before the age of 18 doesn't count...that was just foolish love).

And so Alex and I decide that because it's not a big deal, we'll go to dinner...but there you are, everywhere we turn...refusing to not let me think of you.  Barrels of flowers in the grocery store unsent, prix fixe menus EVERYWHERE...which really is unfair to those of us who just want a little food and not to sit for hours upon hours amongst all the other people who are either in love or trying to convince themselves they are.

I know that no matter how many times I tell you to leave me alone, that I will never need you...you'll always be there in the background, keeping me just curious enough.  But I hope you know that for all your attempts to rub salt in the wound, I still had a fabulous night eating oysters on the half shell, drinking wine and laughing more than I have ever laughed on Valentine's Day.

For all those years I spent with him, every one of your days was a lonely one...but last night, for the first time in as long as I can remember, lonely wasn't the word that came to mind.

Dylan

A life worth waiting for

Brunch at my favorite new restaurant with the girls...a cheeky kiss from John the bartender and Christian the waiter...laughing until I cried...this is the life I have always wanted...this is the life that has been worth waiting for. 

A delayed response....

Post Secret Valentine's Day Video
Sorry for the long break away...I've allowed life to keep me busy and have been trying to work out a few feelings which have left me a bit confused as of late.

Tonight I'm not even sure where to start...but I'll begin with a little confession of the ego.  It had been a few days since I'd heard from Mr. T....and so I told myself that of course I didn't like him, that of course it was just a weekend of something that was really nothing...but the truth is that it wasn't nothing...and so I had to sit and ask myself how I really felt...and this is what it came down to...I don't want to like this person.  I don't want to like anyone.  I'm afraid of putting my heart or any piece of myself out there for someone to reject.  I'm more than happy to care for people that I know cannot care for me back...for people that I know I can never expect anything from...because any disappointment that I might one day feel will only come from myself.  So here I sat making excuses for myself and the bit of sting that came along from not hearing from him.  And so I decided that I have to conquer my fears, I have to learn to put more than just a smile and a few words out there.  So I sent him a text...and he responded.  His briefcase had been stolen...phone, laptop, my business card...all of it.  He'd been waiting for me to text again so he'd have my number...and of course apologized because he was sure I had coined him a "dick".

So today I want to say "thank you" to my heart for having the courage to admit its fear and still put itself out there in the hopes that someone would catch it.

Knowing better

I'm trying hard....but trying hard isn't always enough.  And so I should try harder.


Dinner with Alex tonight and I remember that I am living the life I have always wanted...the life I am living right now.  The moment I am not just living but also enjoying.  The moments where I am laughing a bit too loudly.  Loving a bit too much.  Caring too little but then again more than I should.  This is it.  


There are days that are harder than others...where I wake up and wonder what I am doing...if I'm really in the right place.  If I'm where I'm supposed to be or if I just tell myself this to get through the day.  But then a day like this comes along and I realize that yes...I am exactly where I need to be.  

So to everyone I love today and to everyone I will love in the future...thank you for making my life what it is...no matter how hard the lesson is.  My life is far from perfect but I wouldn't trade it for anything because the imperfections are what make this life so extraordinary....


Thank you...and please know that when I say I love you, I mean it with everything I am.

Mushy Monday

Sigh...it's Monday...it's a mushy Monday.  It's one of those days when you wonder what your purpose for something is.  Whether or not you are good enough at what you do, whether or not you shouldn't try your hand at something else.  I wanted to cry at 9 AM...mushy.

But regardless of the little cloud over my head, I'm grateful for Alex...who overate with me at Paddy Rice on Melrose (to the point where we both felt sick), made me laugh and cheered me up...even though she had to hear me vent over work.

So even if I might be wondering what my purpose is or if I'm good enough, at least I know I'm wondering it in the right place.  Love you Alex.

Having Hope

I've been thinking about this word for awhile now, maybe more in the last few days...hope...it's such a lovely thing.  By definition, it is to 1. wish for something with expectation or its fulfillment (one day I hope to fall in love). 2. to expect and desire (one day I hope I will meet a man who will love me just as I am).

It's the belief that no matter where we are in life, the things that we most want will come to us when we are ready for them.  It's knowing that even in the darkest and loneliest of days that there is still light if we can see through our tears.

For me, right now, it's saying I will put myself out there and hope that something beautiful will come back to me...even if sometimes nothing does.  Choosing to be hopeful is believing in the possibility of something wonderful.  And as Martin Luther King said "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."
So whatever it is that you are feeling.  Whatever it is that you want.  Have a little hope that it's coming to you.

Friends and Strangers

Today I am most grateful for friends that make me laugh and strangers that make me smile.
Strangers: While walking baby O back to his mom's house, a stranger rolls up on his bike and says "great legs, must be from all the dog walking" before riding off...I couldn't help but smile from the random statement of kindness....so say what you want to a stranger, you never know how far your words will go.

Friends: Yesterday Alex and I had a stroll through Beverly Hills and stopped at A Pea in the Pod so that she could buy something for her big sister.  Needless to say Alex felt the need to try on the purchase...even adding a little belly for a touch of reality.  I am so incredibly grateful for friends that make me laugh.

Once upon a time...

there was a girl who was in love with the idea of being in love.  She grew up wanting a fairytale to rescue her from the place she was in, a man who would love her the way she always wanted to be loved.  And while she daydreamed her future, she was also terrified that no one would ever love her.  No one would ever think that she was good enough exactly as she was...and so when she met her prince, she became exactly what she thought he wanted her to be.  She spoke what she thought would make him smile.  Loved him the way he wanted to be loved.  Agreed and nodded "Yes" even when her heart screamed "No!"...

And then one day she woke up and realized that her life was only a daydream.  It was beautiful in it's own right.  Full of every material thing she could ask for...and for a long time she thought that was what happiness was...but as she woke from that sleepy haze she realized that it wasn't happiness she felt inside...it was being "content" with an ordinary life...and so she sat down and cried because for as wonderful as it was, she didn't want an ordinary life.

So she packed her bags and set for a voyage across the sea.  Her very own tears pushing the boat across the waves until she finally found shelter in a home full of love and lightness.  And over time she began to find her center.  She began to understand what it meant to be happy.  What it meant to live a life that was not ordinary...but rather extraordinary.  She met the most amazing people on her journey...people who she never would have met had she not had a broken heart...

She learned how to tell people what she wanted and what questions to ask.  She learned that she loved to dance to music alone in her own home  She learned that it was okay to open her heart and share...even if it meant she would feel a little pain.  And so when she finally met someone she opened herself.  She answered all of his questions, she said what she wanted to say and not what she thought he would want to hear.  She found that feeling in herself that she most feared and put it in the palm of her hand to show him what she never thought was good enough.  He smiled.  Kissed her and then said goodbye.  And while she waited for him to call, all of her fears came back...that the reason he didn't call was because she hadn't said what he wanted.  She hadn't become the person he wanted her to be.  She smiled to her friends and said it was okay...but she felt a little broken inside and had to look in the mirror and ask "why am I not enough just as I am?"  She sighed deeply and resigned...she slept a dreamless sleep for the first time in a long time...but when she woke, she saw that he had called.

And she finally understood what it meant when people said "someday the pain will be useful to you."  She finally understood that she had to let go of those old fears, release them into the wind and when the timing and the man were right...love as if she were indestructible.

Grateful

Alex sent me a Tedtalks the other night that she wanted to share...it's been a bit busy (and I've been a bit lazy) but after spin class this morning I wanted to vegg for a few minutes and make sure that I started the day right...I knew that because she enjoyed it so much, I would as well.  The Tedtalks was with Neil Pasricha...17 minutes of something wonderful...as he spoke about how he has come to the place he's at right now, his 3 As.

So without giving it away, I'll say that his relation to "Authenticity" is what struck a cord in me.  That if we're authentic, then we're ourselves.  And when we are just ourselves, we follow our own hearts, dance to the rhythm in our own minds, love what we do, enjoy the people we like being with, have the conversations we always want to have.  When we are ourselves people are drawn to us because of who we are, not who they think we are or who they want us to be.  And most important, we not just live in the moment but enjoy the moment.  He reminded me that yes, bad things are bound to happen but it shouldn't prevent us from opening ourselves up to possibility, to being vulnerable and willing to take a chance.  Just because the last person broke our heart it doesn't mean the next person will.  Just because we haven't met the right person yet it doesn't mean we never will.  We grieve and then face the future.

So today I am grateful to Alex for sharing.  Grateful for Natalie going to spin with me at 6.30 yesterday morning.  For my family who calls and leaves me loving messages...and for my two dogs because I smile sitting here enjoying the moment watching them lay on the floor basking in the sun as it comes through the french doors.  Yes, there is so much life to be grateful for.

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished.  Yet that will be the beginning." Louis L'Amour

Love notes....

I come out of the gym to find this on my car...confusion sets in as I'm still a little delirious after spin class...

From Natalie, of course, as a reminder that it's out there...and so now I can look over while sitting at my desk and smile to myself...

Yes...I promise I will enjoy this time.  I promise I'll wait. 

The Bubble Buster

After a weekend of unexpected romantic gestures, my mood is a little lighter and maybe, just maybe, I can feel myself opening up to the possibility of someone on a regular basis....maybe.  So I send the following text to Natalie:

Me: I want to fall in love, have babies and not work...just spend my days playing on the beach with my kids and laying in bed with my husband...

Natalie: Yup...Dittio that
Natalie: Although...Ur husband is prolly gonna have to work and not stay in bed with you all day :-)
Me: Such a bubble buster!
Natalie: Hahaha sorry :-( u have weekends!!!
Me: Nope...the dream is ruined now
Me: Now I need to go home and get drunk and cry lol
Natalie: Awwwww :-(
Me: lol ;-)
Natalie: Ha

A little does of reality is always a good thing...but a little daydream here and there never hurt anyone.
xo. Sam.

A little reminder....

It started out as a typical date night...Natalie and I wanting to try something different.  Get out out of the bubble for a bite to eat, so we opt for Cleo at the Redbury Hotel.  The food and ambiance came highly recommended so we thought "why not?"

Not even a drink in and we hear someone behind us lean in and order two pale ales...in a british accent no less.  Natalie looks at me and starts cracking up...not even 48 hours before this, I walked into the house and jokingly said "I would really like for my lobster to have an accent...."  Because in typical Sam fashion, the more requirements I put on a future relationship, the more difficult it will be to fulfill meaning that I don't actually have to date anyone because no one will ever be everything I want...my own personal mechanism of self avoidance?  Ya, possibly.  

A few minutes later and we're conversing with our new found friend, we'll call him Mr. T for now (and not because he looks like Mr. T (although all the man jewelry is pretty sexy...his name starts with a T).  Skipping past the details, Natalie and I are getting ready to leave the bar when Mr. T leans into me and says..."Would you fancy having breakfast with me in the morning?"  I have to admit...slight panic. I don't do breakfast with a lot of people....I know it's odd but it's such an intimate meal...do I really want to see that person first thing in the morning?  I concede to brunch...he wants to eat at the beach so we agree to to a pick-up time, a meal and then I'll drop him at the airport for his flight.  Why not do something nice for a complete stranger?

Fast forward to Saturday morning and I'm picking him up from the hotel.  We finally arrive in Manhattan Beach put our name on the list and are sitting there chatting (and laughing...a lot)...Mr. T looks at me seriously and says "if I were to change my flight, would you have dinner with me?"  Seriously?  Never have I had such a romantic gesture...even having been married, my ex-husband would never have changed his flight to spend just a few extra hours with me.  How can one say no to this?  We proceed to spend the rest of the day doing nothing but laughing and asking questions....it's not supposed to be this easy or feel this comfortable....but it is.  He's the kind of guy that makes sure he walks on the street side of the sidewalk.  The kind of guy that opens doors and makes me laugh.  He's the kind of guy that reaches across the table to pinch my arm, tugs at my hair as we're walking, and has no problem looking at me and saying exactly what is on his mind...he calls me out on my shit, he asks questions that are personal...and there's no expectation...he wants nothing from me but time...and to buy me dinner.

So while I can be realistic and say that Mr. T is probably not the man I am meant to spend the rest of my life with, he is the perfect reminder that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Dear Sam....

As I laid on the beach for the last time before leaving Moorea I wrote a letter to myself...something to remind me one day of this journey, of how much has changed and how much I have to be grateful for.  I wrote myself a reminder that my life is what I want it to be so long as I always remember what that is.

***

Dear Sam,

I'm writing this to you today because there is so much that will happen in your life that at times you might forget how far you have come.

Today, you are 32...and you're sitting on the beach in French Polynesia staring out at the vast ocean.  It's your last day and you're headed to airport soon.  Half of you wants to go home and start this new book in your life, the other half wants to stay here and start over....to walk away from everything.  Do you remember this trip?  Do you remember how happy you were?  How free you felt?  Do you remember waking up every morning with a smile and laughing to yourself each night as you fell asleep?  Do you remember how far your legs carried you as you ran every day?  Do you remember the conversations you had with yourself as you laid on the dock, feeling it rock you into a light sleep?  Tell me you remember how proud you were of yourself...how you finally knew that you didn't just think you were happy but really were.  How happy that you said goodbye and let him go.

You managed to love yourself, to forgive your imperfections, to admit your mistakes but accept them because they are what make you "you".

You said you wouldn't compromise.  Wouldn't meet someone halfway.  Would try to make better decisions, focus on work, read more, respect and nourish yourself.  You said you would try not to over think everything, rather take things as they happen.  You promised to try and care a little less about what people thought of you so long as you knew what to think of yourself.  You said you would open yourself to possibilities and allow a little more vulnerability into your life.  You said you would try to love someone without the fear of thinking you would need to let go.  Did you do those things?

As you read this I hope you are smiling.  I hope you did everything you said you would do.  I hope the man you are with is everything you believed he would be as you laid on the beach this Christmas.  I hope you hear someone little calling "mommy" in the background.  If you're not there yet, that's okay too...this is one journey that deserves time and to be taken slowly.

Remember to smile, to laugh, to enjoy the people you love.  Be honest, dedicated and when possible not selfish.  You are strong, capable and full of optimism today. You deserve love, above all from yourself.  You don't need to give yourself away for someone to love you.  You found yourself...your courage, your voice, your needs...don't forget that.

Love,

You