What's about to come....

I'm more smitten then ever...you know it's trouble when you get messages like this...

"Did I mention how smitten with you I am recently?  Like really really smitten? Hey and I'm not sure if I mentioned it but you do know I think you're very beautiful, don't you?  And soooo many stories - I just want to hear everything about you - good / bad / funny / sad etc....And damn that would be perfect, I have an overwhelming desire to sit and listen / watch you talk for hours, rain falling outside, wine, music finding all the stuff we have in common, places we've been, stuff that's totally different and hearing all about it..." 

As I sit here smiling to myself I also realize that I am so incredibly scared.  I already feel that slight bit of pain at imagining that he'll just stop speaking to me tomorrow...that I'll be left with this tiny tear in my heart that will only keep growing.  I want to fall in love, I do...but until today I didn't realize how afraid I am of really really letting someone in...because what if once they're in, they want out?

I began to admit my fear to Alex yesterday and in her usual wise way said "You can't go through life holding people at arms length, sometimes you just have to be able to let go and see what happens."

So here's to letting go of fear and allowing my heart to feel whatever is about to come.

Smitten...

To be affected by something overwhelming…yeah…this would be me…

Dear Valentine's Day

I've told myself for as long as I can remember that your day isn't important to me...when I think the truth is that I've never really been important to someone on this day (anything before the age of 18 doesn't count...that was just foolish love).

And so Alex and I decide that because it's not a big deal, we'll go to dinner...but there you are, everywhere we turn...refusing to not let me think of you.  Barrels of flowers in the grocery store unsent, prix fixe menus EVERYWHERE...which really is unfair to those of us who just want a little food and not to sit for hours upon hours amongst all the other people who are either in love or trying to convince themselves they are.

I know that no matter how many times I tell you to leave me alone, that I will never need you...you'll always be there in the background, keeping me just curious enough.  But I hope you know that for all your attempts to rub salt in the wound, I still had a fabulous night eating oysters on the half shell, drinking wine and laughing more than I have ever laughed on Valentine's Day.

For all those years I spent with him, every one of your days was a lonely one...but last night, for the first time in as long as I can remember, lonely wasn't the word that came to mind.

Dylan

A life worth waiting for

Brunch at my favorite new restaurant with the girls...a cheeky kiss from John the bartender and Christian the waiter...laughing until I cried...this is the life I have always wanted...this is the life that has been worth waiting for. 

A delayed response....

Post Secret Valentine's Day Video
Sorry for the long break away...I've allowed life to keep me busy and have been trying to work out a few feelings which have left me a bit confused as of late.

Tonight I'm not even sure where to start...but I'll begin with a little confession of the ego.  It had been a few days since I'd heard from Mr. T....and so I told myself that of course I didn't like him, that of course it was just a weekend of something that was really nothing...but the truth is that it wasn't nothing...and so I had to sit and ask myself how I really felt...and this is what it came down to...I don't want to like this person.  I don't want to like anyone.  I'm afraid of putting my heart or any piece of myself out there for someone to reject.  I'm more than happy to care for people that I know cannot care for me back...for people that I know I can never expect anything from...because any disappointment that I might one day feel will only come from myself.  So here I sat making excuses for myself and the bit of sting that came along from not hearing from him.  And so I decided that I have to conquer my fears, I have to learn to put more than just a smile and a few words out there.  So I sent him a text...and he responded.  His briefcase had been stolen...phone, laptop, my business card...all of it.  He'd been waiting for me to text again so he'd have my number...and of course apologized because he was sure I had coined him a "dick".

So today I want to say "thank you" to my heart for having the courage to admit its fear and still put itself out there in the hopes that someone would catch it.