One year later...day one

It's almost a year ago the last time I was here on this trip. Half way around the world and completely alone. I was at my own personal emotional rock bottom. Couldn't get on a plane without dissolving into tears....without thinking of him. Going down a path that could have been impossible to return from.

So here I sit, one year later...and how much has difference just one year can make.  I felt the grief and learned how to let it go.  My heart is no longer broken.  I've learned so much.  Built so much.  Accepted it all.  I'm no longer angry.  I can recognize the life that I had is gone but the life that I am now living is here...all that sadness was only a seed for everything else to come.  I don't need a reason anymore...I don't need to cry over it anymore...as Dr. Seuss so wisely advisd "Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."

One year later and I'm still here.

An ordinary night...

Amazing that such an ordinary night can remind you of how absolutely wonderful life is...the most amazingly delicious dinner at Animal tonight with Alex and London...nothing crazy, nothing that makes it any different than last night or the night before...just wonderful food, the best of company, a lot of laughing and the reminder that life is perfect just as it is.

That extraordinary life full of laughing and loving...that life I spent so many nights wishing for...it's here and it's mine.  How incredibly grateful I am for the people that make it so.  xxo

Oh my god...

I think I love you.

Just another day...right?

33…the first time in 33 years that I have ever been alone on my birthday…and it shouldn’t matter should it?  It shouldn’t hurt, right?  It’s just another day isn’t it?  The same as yesterday, the same as tomorrow…but for some sad reason it doesn’t feel the same.

It started out so lovely…sunshine, sweet notes from my smitten…so why come home, eat mac ‘n cheese in the dark and cry?  I have no idea other than to think that I am a complete headcase.  This has been the happiest year of my life, I know that to be certain…but today feels lonely.  Today feels a little empty and so I couldn’t help but to just break down…and now that I’ve started crying, I can’t seem to find the will to stop.

All those years with the husband…but at least I wasn’t alone…there’s just that tiny part of my heart that wants to feel important to someone…to come home and find a glass of wine and a piece of birthday cake and someone to tell me they love me.

I know you’re out there and I want to believe that it won’t be long before we find our way to one another…but tonight…tonight I really miss you…tonight I wish you were here to make me laugh, to hold onto as I fall asleep.  Tonight waiting for you feels unbearable because it wasn’t just another day.